Xemnas Reports or How to Run Organization XIII
by Kai-chan Akiyama
Summary: YAOI/SHOUNEN-AI? This manuscript and contents were found scattered about in different worlds. As they've been translated from Xemnas' half-ass chicken scratch, some artistic liberties have been taken. Don't get your panties in a twist. LEMON/LIME? CHAP 2.
1. Rules of Leadership

Disclaimer: Kairan Akiyama does not own Kingdom Hearts II

_Disclaimer_: Kairan Akiyama does not own _Kingdom Hearts II_. This fic might have **YAOI** and/or **SHOUNEN-AI (man-sex/boy-love) **undertones, not sure which yet. If you don't like **YAOI** and/or **SHOUNEN-AI**, you'll be warned well in advance. Oh, this contains explicit language, like fck; so be on the look out for F-bombs.

KAI-SAN: Thought of this while at work…at least five times. I might actually follow-through this time.

NIGHTSHADE: You know if your bosses ever find this, your ass is fired.

KAI-SAN: They'd have to know how to use a computer first.

_-x-_

KAI-SAN: So ya, this is what I think sometimes at work.

NIGHTSHADE: And there was much rejoicing.

KAI-SAN: If there is, um…sexual activity, it'll be mentioned prior; so no bitching about seeing boy parts touching other boy parts.

NIGHTSHADE: Don't like **YAOI** and/or **SHOUNEN-AI**? Don't read properly labeled chapters. Duh.

Enjoy the ride.

**Xemnas Reports**

_This manuscript and its contents were found scattered about in different worlds and hopefully reconstructed in the proper order. As they have been translated from Xemnas' half-ass chicken scratch, some artistic liberties have been taken for phrasing. The views expressed represent those of Xemnas and the translator, so don't get your panties in a twist._

_-x-_

_These particular pages were uncovered in the basement of the abandoned manor in Twilight Town. Upon restoration, they appear to be a list of totalitarian suggestions._

_-x-_

**(SHOUNEN-AI-isque) **

**Chapter I: Rules of ****Tyrannical Rule**** Leadership**

Rule One: Don't treat your underlings like underlings. They'll have revenge by doing the work poorly, betraying you, or setting your stuff on fire.

Rule Two: Even though they are just underlings, use big, important sounding words when you give them jobs like _physical task executive_, _food nutritional specialist_, and _posterior osculator_ (ass kisser).

Rule Three: Don't speak in different languages around your underlings. They'll begin to disregard what you say in one language and take offense to what you say in another. Even though that paranoia may be true.

Rule Four: Continuously reminding your underlings that they are "slow" is not a confidence builder. If you want them happy (to an extent), use backhanded compliments like "I've never seen anyone (insert job here) like you." They're too stupid to know you're insulting them.

Rule Five: When your underling has enraged you past a comfort level, get rid of it. Use the most painful way possible. He pissed you off, didn't he? A scalping is the least you could've done to the ungrateful bastard…

Rule Six: Your life outside of work is your own damn business. Photos, letters, and interesting conversation starters (handcuffs) have no place being where your subordinates can see them. They'll begin to think you're "just like them" and not so bad. Prove them wrong. Kill relatives if you have to, show no mercy. Tis better to be feared than loved and that kind of shit.

Rule Seven: No office affairs. All you need is your lover consort sex monkey bragging to the others about how much he gets and how often. And Heaven help him if he says he's seme!

Rule Eight: Feed your underlings. Occasionally.

Rule Nine: Pay your underlings. By letting them live.

Rule Ten: Destroy reminders of underlings that have a cooler weapon than you. It will piss off the hero later.

Rule Eleven: Don't go to the New Year's party and expect to be in charge; they've been planning it all year and there's no way in hell you'll get out of it with your dignity.

Rule Twelve: After the New Year's party, get new underlings. And have them bury their predecessors.

Rule Thirteen: Don't (when fighting two adversaries) try to turn them against one another. It won't work and you'll just piss them off even more. You're screwed after that.

_-hateshi nai-_

And so the first chapter (no matter how short it is) is completed. What are you opinions? Let me know and I'll load chap. 2, kay? Arigatou-gozaimasu, ja ne.


	2. Members

_Disclaimer_: Kairan Akiyama does not own _Kingdom Hearts II_. This fic might have **YAOI** and/or **SHOUNEN-AI (man-sex/boy-love) **undertones, not sure which yet. If you don't like **YAOI** and/or **SHOUNEN-AI**, you'll be warned well in advance. Oh, this contains explicit language, like fck; so be on the look out for F-bombs.

KAI-SAN: If there is, um…sexual activity, it'll be mentioned prior; so no bitching about seeing boy parts touching other boy parts.

NIGHTSHADE: Don't like **YAOI** and/or **SHOUNEN-AI**? Don't read properly labeled chapters. Duh.

_-x-_

_Arigatou_-hamster!

**White Silver and Mercury**: I hope the next chapter is as witty. Many thank yous for the review.

Enjoy the ride.

**Xemnas Reports**

_This manuscript and its contents were found scattered about in different worlds and hopefully reconstructed in the proper order. As they have been translated from Xemnas' half-ass chicken scratch, some artistic liberties have been taken for phrasing. The views expressed represent those of Xemnas and the translator, so don't get your panties in a twist._

_-x-_

_This section was found (in fragments) in the remains of Castle Oblivion. From what I can surmise, it was given amongst members so as to inform them of one another. Not all of the pages were discovered, but upon closer inspection, perhaps there are no others to collect._

_-x-_

**(SHOUNEN-AI-isque) **

**Chapter II: Members**

Here you'll find a brief description of your co-workers. If you can't find your description, I don't plan on having you around that long. Or I simply don't like you.

**ROXAS (the key of destiny)  
**He's No XIII. He attacks with keyblades, duh. He has dirty blonde/brown hair. He's rather emo. And he's Axel's uke, so don't try to fck him. Not only will Axel probably set your ass on fire, Roxas will probably stick a keyblade up your ass. Unless you like that kind of thing, in which case he won't. He likes ice cream. I think he has an ice cream fetish…he probably does.

**MARLUXIA (the graceful assassin)  
**He is No. XI. He has pink hair. I'm pretty sure it's natural, freak. He attacks with a pink scythe. He's a flamer alright. He's like the Grim Reaper's gay cousin or something. Anyway. He's good at DDR and is into botanical shit. He'll make you a decent bouquet if you ask nicely.

**LUXORD (the gambler of fate):  
**He's No. X. He has blonde hair. He attacks with cards and die (plural of _dice_, in case anyone missed that). He plays with cards and dice. I guess he's really into Duel Monsters and Dungeon Dice Monsters. Never play Uno with him; never play checkers with him; just don't play with him, he cheats. Fcking cheater…

**DEMYX (the melodious nocturne):  
**He's No. IX. He has dirty blonde hair. His weapon is a sitar (though mandolin is a more fun word to use). Don't make fun of his sitar or he'll kick your ass with geysers. Even if it looks like a wang-ringed wang. He writes songs occasionally, but they're too happy for my taste. He might be bi-polar or have a split personality or something, I don't really care. Don't have him do something really important, he's probably the wrong guy.

**AXEL (the flurry of dancing flames):  
**He's No. VIII. He has red hair and strange tattoos on his cheeks. I mean his face cheeks. You'd have to ask Roxas about his ass cheeks. He has chakram or giant-ass wheels. He made a go-cart with those things, but it set on fire. Bringing it up makes him cry. He's seme to Roxas' uke. Don't try to fck with Roxas or he'll kill you. Probably by setting you on fire.

**SAÏX (the luna diviner):  
**First off, what the hell kind of codename is that?! I mean come on, "luna diviner"? Why don't I just name you Sailor Moon? Anyway… Saïx is No. VII. He has blue hair and an X in the middle of his face. He has a giant-ass claymore, whatever the hell that is. He's my bitch. Don't try to fck with him or I'll end you.

**ZEXION (the cloaked schemer):  
**He's No. VI. He has silver hair. I don't remember what his weapon is, ask him yourself. He has a fcking intense sense of smell, so he'll know if you don't bathe regularly. For the love of God, _please_ bathe regularly. I don't want to smell your funky ass.

**XALDIN (the whirlwind lancer):  
**He's No. III. He has huge ass side burns and dreadlocks. He attacks with shafts lances. He could probably be a good pole dancer, but I wouldn't want to see that. Fck, now my eyes are burning. Why am I hearing "you touch my ta-la-la"?

**XIGBAR (the free-shooter):  
**He's No. II. He has a scar and eye patch. He likes to shoot things and pop up behind you to shoot you. Don't make fun of his purple guns; he'll probably shoot you more. And he has grey hair, he's old.

**ME, XEMNAS (the superior)  
**I'm No. I, bitches. You know what I look like, I'm the one that haunts your dreams and makes you wet your pants. Damn right I'm your superior; I say jump, you'd better already be in the air. If I feel so inclined, I'll shove a light saber up your ass. If you like it up your ass, I'll just cut your wang off. If you don't have one, well…I'll cut your arm off or something. Don't piss me off!! I'm Saïx's seme, so stay the fck away from him.

_-hateshi nai-_

And here's where we hit a wall. I'm thinking maybe make different entries people write in their sections or something. Anyone with ideas of locations or anything particular you'd like someone to comment on, hit that review button and let me know. X3.


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